Flares, Events, and Health Updates

I hate when I’m anticipating a flare. I did a lot yesterday, too much, and while it was worth it, I know I’ll be paying for it soon. Sometimes I feel bad right away, but other times it takes a day or two for me to start feeling it (sometimes it can be both, right now it’s both). I went to an event for video game development, which was fun yet anxiety-inducing, and I had a POTS episode halfway through. I also left early because of it, something I hate doing. I find nowadays that I can’t be at an event for more than two hours, and even that will put me in a flare. I’m bad at resting beforehand (and I’ll admit, after it too).

I tried calling my neurologist’s office again to get in, but they don’t have any appointments available yet. It’s frustrating because they said on the phone they’d let me know if I need any testing, but then they also said I need to get evaluated before they order tests, yet I can’t get in.

I haven’t written any fiction pieces for months, and my creativity almost feels broken. That’s not the best way to put it, but I think I’m in writer’s block. I also haven’t had any motivation, something I’ve talked about on here before. It doesn’t help that I haven’t been reading much fiction, playing any video games, or watching anything that would inspire me. The motivation has been affecting my urge to do those things as well, and I know this runs deeper than ‘simple’ writers block.

ADHD

My ADHD is something I’ve struggled with at length, and I am unable to take any stimulant or non-stimulant medications to help me with it due to my POTS. I’m currently trialing a supplement, and it’s the second one I’ve tried, though this one can take up to 3 months to help (it’s been one). It’s frustrating, and it affects almost every aspect of my life. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and I can’t find the motivation to physically push myself out. I can’t start new stories or plan out a narrative.

I was working on an RPG game, and that’s fully stopped in production. I’m going to begin working on a video game with my sister, yet I fear that will fall short on my part as well. I want to get out of the house and participate in social activities, yet I am stuck in a loop of not following through on what I say I’m going to do, then I get down and restless because I’m not getting enough socialization, and around we go again. I’m in therapy, but it can only do so much before she says, “Medication would help with this.” I’m at a standstill with my own brain.

I think schedule is a big aspect of this. I don’t have a solid one, and without outside motivation, I can’t stick to one. There’s also, of course, the aspect of my health. What do I do if I fall into a week-long flare? I get out of the habit, then it’s almost impossible for me to fall back into it.

I think I need to meet myself halfway, not expect myself to magically be able to do everything at once. If I can’t get up before 11, I’ll plan to start my day after that. If I know I want to get out of the house every day, but don’t want to spend money, I’ll plan to go to the library or a park after I eat lunch.